Recently I had a conversation with someone who is extremely upset with his friend because of something said. He wondered out loud why his friend would say such a thing. I asked, “What did he say when you asked him that question?” The answer, which I expected, “I haven’t said anything to him.” When I asked him why he hadn’t said anything, he said that was what he always did. Kept things in. He even went on further to say that if the transgression happened again he’d have to decide if he wanted to end the friendship.
I found this absolutely fascinating and asked him how that made sense. You’re upset with your friend and instead of talking to him about the situation, you are asking me questions that I can’t answer and threatening to end the friendship.
This is not the first conversation I’ve had with someone who is upset with someone else and doesn’t tell the person, but will complain to everyone else.
And my only question is why would you torture yourself like that? I rarely hold things in. If I feel you’ve wronged me (goes only for family, friends, and people I work with closely) I’ll let you know. You never have to worry where you stand with me. But, I notice more and more that people like to hold things in. And they have many reasons why they bottle up their emotions:
- They believe the other person doesn’t care to know why they are upset
- They think that even if they say something things are not going to change
- They don’t want to rock the boat
- They think they are being the better person by not bringing it up
These reasons usually come from people who are viewed as “nice” and they don’t want to ruin their reputation. Look here nice people, you can’t constantly keep things in because eventually it is going to come out in some way, shape, or form. It’s going to be catastrophic and I so don’t want to be anywhere near you when it does. If this is something you do often then you already know that most times, you will go off on someone who has nothing to do with the situation and that’s not fair.
Plus, why are you keeping it to yourself? What is supposed to get better by not saying anything? You can say “I know if I say something, they are still going to do whatever.” But until you have actually spoken to them, you don’t know jack. Open your mouth and say something. And, let me share a little something with you. When you are walking around all upset and angry, guess what? The other person who you have not shared your problem with may not have a clue you are upset. So while your day is ruined thinking about how upset you are and how you should have said something, or what you would want to say and just rehashing the incident (you know you’ve done it), the other person is chilling, not thinking about you or the situation. They are having a stellar day.
Well, they should know that I am upset.
Umm, no. Not if you haven’t told them something is bothering you. People are not mind readers. What may seem like a reasonable reason to be upset about, or offended by, for you is not seen the same way by the other person. They are coming from a different frame of reference. And, if you don’t tell them they may do it again. Now it’s your fault that you are upset when they do it again because you didn’t alert them to the problem the first time.
I’m not saying that you should yell at people who hurt your feelings or make them feel like crap. It is quite possible that they didn’t mean to offend you and well if they did, let them have it. But in case they didn’t intentionally set out to offend you, take some time after the infraction to think about what you want to say and express yourself properly. Don’t come back with a snide remark because that does not addresses the issue.
There may be cases when you express yourself and the person doesn’t care. That’s cool! Now, you know who to keep, who to drop and who to watch out for. Just whatever you do, don’t bottle it up inside.
Your assignment:
If you are the type of person who likes to keep everything inside, let me ask you: How is that working out for you? I’m going to guess that it’s not. So let’s stop the madness, right now.
The next time someone says something you don’t appreciate, speak up. Don’t go all crazy. Just politely state your case: what was said, what you don’t appreciate about it and what you suggest happens next. I’ll give you a real life example. In my office, sometimes there are derogatory remarks made. I work with a lot of men and they can get rauchy. One day, in a joking manner, a statement that I didn’t like was made and I let it be known that I don’t like that word being used in reference to me or in my presence. They respected it and everything is cool. The point is to make your case, let it play out and don’t harp on it. No one likes a nag.
So give it a try and let me know how it goes.
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