When you are in a conversation with someone, are you really listening to what the other person is saying? Some of you may think you are but you’re really not. You hear but you don’t listen. To hear is to just perceive sound but to listen is to pay attention.
Let’s start with the obvious. You can’t possibly listen to someone if you are talking at the same time. This bears repeating. YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY LISTEN TO SOMEONE IF YOU ARE TALKING AT THE SAME TIME.
Not clear enough? Need an example?
Let’s say your friend is talking about their lousy significant other and before they can even finish what they are saying, you are interrupting with questions or finishing their sentences because you think they are taking to long to get to the point. (Or am I the only one that feels this way sometimes?) That’s not listening. That’s you talking. It’s rude, annoying, ruins the flow of conversation and I’m sure you don’t like it when people do it to you.
Good listeners are active listeners. When you are actively listening you are leaning forward, giving nonverbal communication, such as facial expressions, smiling, nodding, or saying yes or umm hmm so the other person knows you are really paying attention. Also a good way to show you are listening is to restate or summarize their points to make sure you understand. A good listener will devote their full attention and not be distracted by surfing the Web, watching TV or looking at papers and claiming that they are listening.
A bad listener is just the opposite of a good listener. But just in case it is not clear to you, people who have not learned the art of listening will: cut you off in mid-conversation to state their point, totally misconstrue what you said, predetermine what you are going to say, think of what to reply with next instead of listening, have no clue as to what you actually said, and seem distracted or look bored, to name a few.
My biggest problem with people who don’t listen are the ones who want to give their unsolicited advice. A majority of the time, people don’t need you to always have something to say back. They may just want to vent, confess or just get whatever it is off their mind and out in the open. They don’t need you to try and solve the problem or to agree with them. Please, shut up!
Think back to your past conversations and be honest with yourself, are you a good listener or a bad listener? I can honestly say I have become a better listener over the years. Instead of inflicting my opinions on people, I’ve learned to shut my trap and focus on what they are saying. It doesn’t always work but I’m trying.
Below is a poem I found while cleaning my apartment. It really gets to the heart of the topic this article. Read it carefully and digest what it is saying and next time someone says they have to tell you something, I hope you will actually sit back and listen.
Please Listen
Author Unknown
When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving me advice,
you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why
I shouldn’t feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something
to solve my problem,
you have failed me,
strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I ask is that you listen.
Don’t talk or do—just hear me.
Advice is cheap; 20 cents will get
you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham
in the same newspaper.
And I can do for myself; I am not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering,
but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can
and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and
inadequacy.
But when you accept as a simple fact
that I feel what I feel,
no matter how irrational,
then I can stop trying to convince
you and get about this business
of understanding what’s behind
this irrational feeling.
And when that’s clear, the answers are
obvious and I don’t need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when
we understand what’s behind them.
Perhaps that’s why prayer works, sometimes,
for some people—because God is mute,
and he doesn’t give advice or try
to fix things.
God just listens and lets you work
it out for yourself.
So please listen, and just hear me.
And if you want to talk, wait a minute
for your turn—and I will listen to you.
{ 2 comments }
What does it mean if you start forming a comment to this post before you even finish reading the post?
KIDDING!
Personally, I like it when someone can finish my sentences. To me that says they “get me.” And it saves me the trouble of having to find the words, or waste their time getting to the point of what I was saying if they already know what the point of what I’m trying to say is! When that happens, you just know the two of you click and there’s an instant bond there – something that’s not always easy to find. Of course when they don’t “get you” and they try to finish your sentences, then it just comes across as a rude interruption and is annoying.
I think you have to keep in mind that there is a HUGE difference between men and women when it comes to communication. Women often say they like a guy who enjoys talking, but what they really mean is they like a guy who enjoys listening to THEM talk. I don’t mean that in a rude way. I just mean that it’s like you said, women often just want someone to vent to, someone to listen. However, men by nature are problems solvers and many have trouble not offering advice in hopes of solving their girlfriend’s problem rather than just offering her an ear and nothing else. (I’ve learned this lesson long ago from growing up with 2 sisters.)
And when it comes to men, I know that when I have a problem some of my female friends think I just want to vent to them. So they will listen to me, but not offer any solutions or advice. As a guy, that frustrates me because usually the whole reason I brought the topic up is because I’m seeking help, not just an ear to listen.
One other thing women should be aware of is a lot of men have been trained to just hit the red record button in their brain when a woman starts to talk. That way when she asks if he’s listening, he can simply hit play and spit back all that data. So while it may appear he was listening, he may not actually be listening. I think TRUE listening has to come from caring. When you care about someone and what they have to say, you’ll listen with not just your ears, but with your heart as well.
David,
You bring up some interesting points. I suppose people have different listening needs. I can’t stand it when someone interrupts me when I’m speaking. I don’t care if you know what I am going to say. Hush, and let me get it out.
I believe you summed up listening lovely, “…TRUE listening has to come from caring. When you care about someone and what they have to say, you’ll listen with not just your ears, but with your heart as well.”
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