Get the Relationship You Want

“You cannot change other people. You love them the way they are or you don’t. You accept them they way they are or you don’t.” –Don Miguel Ruiz, The Mastery of Love

Have you ever entered a dating relationship knowing that this person is perfect, if only they would change? But you think, that’s fine. I’ll change them. Or have you been the person who is being forced to change?

I have well meaning friends who’ve replied –when I say that a new prospect does something I just don’t like– “Oh, well you can change him or teach him.” I don’t know about you but I don’t want to date a project. And, also, I love myself the way I am, flaws and all, and would never want to have someone date me only to change me and make me the person they want. And neither should you.

I believe that this problem arises because people enter relationships not knowing what they are looking for. They just figure out what they don’t want during the relationship and decide that since they invested so much time, instead of ending the relationship and finding one they want, they’ll just change what they don’t like. And, if they were the only person in the relationship this idea would work perfectly but it takes two. In Don Miguel Ruiz’s book The Mastery of Love, he says  “First you have to know what you want, how you want it, when you want it. You have to know exactly what the needs of your body are, what the needs of your mind are, and what fits well with you.” It is after you’ve determined what you want that you should start looking for your perfect relationship. Don’t settle for less. Otherwise you are just creating a disaster waiting to happen.

One of the best examples I’ve seen to illustrate this point is in The Mastery of Love:
“Let’s imagine that you get a dog and you love cats. You want your dog to behave like a cat, and you try to change the dog because it never says, “Meow.” What are you doing with a dog? Get a cat!”

Lots of people get a dog and try to make it a cat. And when that doesn’t happen, they get really upset with the other person as if it is their fault they are the same person they were  when they met.

So, take some time and think about the relationship you are in right now. Are you accepting of the other person for who they are and not what you would like them to be? Is someone requesting changes of you in behavior that you exhibited before the relationship began? And, if you are not currently in a relationship, think of your last relationship: are you guilty of trying to change them?

Bottomline: Don’t date someone hoping or thinking you will change them because they will only change if they want to.  And as Ruiz says, “If someone wants to change you, it means you are not what that person wants.” And if you are trying to change someone that means they are not who you want. So, why are you with them?