I Don’t See It That Way, Ma!

This is a guest post by my mommy, Carol A. Custus, on her experience raising me and my brother in our twenties.

Living with a twentysomething is interesting to say the least. The hardest part is coming to terms with the fact that they are young adults and no longer little children.

I’ve had the pleasure of living with two twentysomethings. My first experience was with my daughter. She went away to college at 18 and returned home four years later, from my point of view, a different person. What I saw as a different person was actually a grown up version of the teenager who left home four years ago. Of the two, she was the most challenging, probably because I wasn’t prepared for the change. The main problem was that after being on her own for four years, she felt that she could come and go as she pleased, which meant not telling me where she was going or when she was coming back. This was during pre-cell phone days and therefore this caused a great deal of stress and turmoil. I never knew what to expect. When she said she was stepping out for a minute, it could mean she would be back within the hour, or within the next 24 hours.

The phrase I remember most from those days is “I don’t see it that way, Ma.”  Spoken when she didn’t agree with me, which was most of the time. Needless to say, the relationship was pretty rocky. The time that she did spend at home, she spent locked in her room on the lower level. This was not a good experience.

She moved into her own apartment within a year after returning home from college. She will tell you that I “kicked her out,” but that is not true. She had a choice, keep me appraised of her schedule or live on her own where she could come and go as she pleased. She chose the latter.

My second experience with living with a twentysomething is with my son, a former Marine. He left home for boot camp two weeks after graduating from high school. My only contact with him for three-months was through letters. After that we spent the next 3 ½ years with limited contact, he came home for a few days here and there, but I didn’t see him that much. When he came home for good, he didn’t struggle for freedom as much as his sister. I believe he wanted it, but he didn’t want to hurt my feelings because I was busy being “Mom.”

Then he got a serious girlfriend. The “one” he actually brought home to meet his stepdad and me. That night I knew things would change, and they did. The drama started and I made the mistake of getting caught up in it, because after all, my job as “Mom” was to make everything better. The fact that I am one of those people who has the need to be in control of every aspect of my life and the lives of my family, especially my children, only made a bad situation worse. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I learned that I could not control my son’s feelings or the way he chooses to handle his relationships. I learned I can’t make everything better, no matter how much advice I give. This is when I realized my son was not a child anymore, dependent on Mom to make it all better. Instead he was a young adult who was going to have to make his own decisions. I discovered that no matter how hard I try I can’t live his life for him and shield him from the spears and arrows of life, so I began the process of learning to let go. It wasn’t easy and still isn’t easy, but I’ve made a great deal of progress. He has learned that it’s best not to share everything with me and I’ve learned not to ask too many questions. This twentysomething moved out on his own after two years at home.

In summary, for me living with twentysomethings was stressful and challenging. The hardest part was coming to terms with the fact that they were no longer children, but young adults.  Learning to let go was very difficult, but then I realized that I did everything I could to prepare them for life and all I can do now is sit back and watch them go off and live their lives the way  they see fit.  And so far, they are both doing a really good job at it. I try very hard to only give advice when asked and not be offended when one of them says to me “I don’t see it that way, Ma.”

If you are a parent of a twentysomething and would like to share your experience, please drop me a line at chachanna (at) twentity.com!