Guest post by Barbara Hayes, MS, MFT
There are women who can let anything from a trivial slight to biting criticism roll off their back. They continue on their merry way without missing a beat. But most of us are devastated by even subtly cutting comments. What do the former know that the latter wish they did? It turns out that there are simple, though not easy, ways to stop those noxious nags.
Ironically, the first step in this process is to try to understand why your tormentor feels the need to rain on your parade. Very often, these individuals have been the victims of chronic criticism in their own lives. They take out their own frustration and anger on an available, vulnerable target. Conversely, those who have received lots of loving support in our lives rarely have any need or thought to be unkind to others. If we are taught from an early age to accept and sympathize with the differences and challenges of others, then we pass those feelings on as well.
Understanding this dynamic does not condone negative behaviors, but it helps us to understand it and to stop it. The secret to handling criticism, as well as any other difficult situation, depends on changing how we think about it. Our thoughts directly affect how we feel about it. So when Aunt Margie says, “Oh, dear, the turkey is a little dry,” if we think, “That poor wretched soul; she just never learned how to be kind,” we realize that they are the one with the problem, not us! We can choose not to react negatively, which is what they want us to do. We take away their power over us!
When we hear something like, “Oh, what a quaint center piece; the Pilgrims would have loved it,” we need to take a deep breath and think about these underlying issues. We have a lot of choices. The simplest is to smile sweetly but not meekly (Yes, you have to fake it at first, but you can do it!) and ignore it or walk away. If this isn’t possible in your situation, another good choice is to agree with them! So if they criticize your looks, behavior, or performance of some task, you can just say happily(!), “Thanks” or something like “I know! I can never figure out what to do about my clothes/decor/cooking, etc.” Take it a step further and laugh out loud or mock yourself in even more extreme ways (“Next time it’s potluck!”). This takes away their power to make you feel bad so they get frustrated and look for another target.
This may sound tricky, if not crazy, but I have coached many people on how to use this technique and it almost always works within a surprisingly short time. It has even worked with high school students who are among the most savagely critical people you can meet – well, maybe second after mothers-in-law. If you have trouble envisioning yourself doing this, then enlist a friend to do a role play with you. You need to practice some likely scenarios until the words feel natural, or at least more comfortable, coming out of your mouth. I do this often in sessions. It is fun and the results are often amazing.
There are two absolute rules to make these techniques effective. First, you cannot give any indication that their comment upsets you. That is their goal and you reward them if you do, so their behavior will continue. No downward glance, snotty gesture, or retaliatory words or actions are allowed. Any of these behaviors will let them know that they got to you. The second rule is that you have to practice these techniques every time – no exceptions! If you ignore, agree with, or cheerfully laugh about someone’s criticism ten times and then on the eleventh you crack and become upset, they will know that you were faking it and will redouble their efforts to harass you. You gave them an intermittent reward, which is the best way to reinforce a behavior. As hard as it is, you can never appear to be upset by their negative comments.
If these criticisms still bother you long after you have stopped showing it, you need to get to the root of the problem and find out why. Do you even care about this person’s opinion? Or does it echo another voice – that of someone that you do care about? Do you believe their criticism? If one of these is true, you might need to seek help to undo negative beliefs about yourself. Challenging our distorted beliefs about ourselves is not only the best defense against any criticism, it is a vital step on our path to being healthier and happier human beings.
Barbara Hayes is a family therapist. Her new book, Beware of Dogs: How to Avoid Dating Disasters, helps women sort out which of their dynamics with their partner are petty problems that can be managed and which are potentially pathological issues that are warning signs that the relationship could be headed for disaster. You can visit her website at: www.howtoavoiddatingdisasters.com.
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