Do you have a friend who is always complaining about what their boyfriend or girlfriend is not doing right? Every time you ask, which you are starting to think may be a bad idea, they never seem happy in the relationship. Or, you hang out with your friend and their significant other and they always end up arguing. And every time you leave their presence you either appreciate your significant other more or you thank the heavens that you are single.
Or, could it be that you are in a situation where you are the miserable friend? I just have one question: Why are you settling? Don’t be ashamed to admit it. Everyone has done it, at least once, then when you get burned you learn not to do it again. At least that is what you are supposed to learn.
Today I want to talk to you, the one who is settling. I’ve been there, done that, and don’t want it for me or for you anymore. Oh, I’m not talking to you? Well, just to be sure, let’s look at some situations to jog your memory. If you see yourself in any of these situations, chances are, you are settling:
- Your girlfriend has cheated and continues to cheat and you stay. Why? You say because she says she is really sorry and promised it wouldn’t happen again. There is a saying: “Once is a mistake, twice is a pattern.” You’re allowing her to continue disrespecting you every time she sleeps with someone else. And apparently she wants to rub it in your face or you wouldn’t find out about it. Let me help you out by stating: she is not going to stop cheating on you. There are no consequences. You’ve set the precedence that you will forgive and take her back. But I digress, that is a whole other topic. What I want to ask is: why would you continue to stay?
- You have different goals than your boyfriend. He is content with going to work everyday and staying in the same job, not looking to move away from your current location, never wants to get married, and wants to have children. You on the other hand have plans to climb up in the corporate world, move to another state, get married and you don’t understand why anyone would want children, ever. Do you really think this relationship is going to go anywhere? That he will change his mind? He won’t and you shouldn’t waste anymore time trying to change it or wait him out. You wouldn’t want him to try and change your mind.
- You have the burning desire to start your own business or become CEO at your current firm, basically attain more than what you have right now. And she is not. Every time you bring up your dreams and aspirations she always has something negative to say. Why would you want to be with someone who is not supportive of your dreams? Dump her, now!
- You’ve never done anything to provoke it but he doesn’t trust you. And is always calling you when you are out to ask where you are or trying to catch you in a lie. When you get together, it is only a matter of time before he blows up about something. Who wants all that stress and hassle, really? And he is probably the one doing the cheating anyway.
- They are physically abusive towards you. Need I go on?
In the above-mentioned situations, the relationships are not on the road to a good place. So why do people stay in relationships that are sub-par? For that answer I went to Robin Gorman Newman known as The Love Coach, www.LoveCoach.com. He says, “People settle in relationships for a variety of reasons…and each situation is different. Someone might be lonely, lack self esteem, want to be taken care of, etc.” I hear the argument that people don’t want to be alone and I don’t understand what is the problem with being alone. Apparently people would rather be miserable with someone else than to be miserable by themselves. Newman says, “Some people can’t be alone because having a relationship validates them. It makes them feel desirable and therefore, better about themselves. It may also provide a sense of security because they are now part of a couple.” I think that is so sad.
How do you get rid of someone who won’t go? How do you hold on to someone who won’t stay?
Not only are you settling for crappy relationships with both partners content with it, there are some of you out there holding on to a relationship that is dead or dying. You want the relationship to work and your significant other does not. It doesn’t matter how much you are in love with that person, everything is not meant to be just because you want it to be. So if the other person wants to leave, let them. Please stop calling, e-mailing and all together begging. It’s making you look pathetic. T.D. Jakes said it best, “ There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you; let them walk. I don’t want you to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you…. When people can walk away from you, let them walk.”
Think about it, do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? Is it really going to make you feel good knowing you had to bribe someone into staying with you? And how long will it be before they decide they want to leave again.
Letting go
In order to get out of an unsatisfactory relationship you have to be confident in yourself. At the end of a relationship, I always take the time to focus and reconnect with myself and enjoy my own company. It is what I suggest to you if you are not happy with the current situation you are in. Relationships are great to be in, but only when they are nurturing. Newman says it best, “If a relationship isn’t positive or empowering, it’s best to let it go.”
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