Having any sort of sexual relations outside of a romantic relationship can be a very tricky situation to handle. Some people don’t even see it coming, while other groups of people find it to be the perfect solution for their needs. Put simply, ‘friends with benefits’ can only really work if you are the type of person who can handle it (I know I am not). But how do you know if you are? Ask yourself these questions, and answer as honestly as possible.
How do you define sexuality? Everyone sees it differently. Do you see it as something completely separate from a relationship, or is it closely tied in with your emotions? If you are the type of person who sees sexuality as something close between two people romantically involved, then why put yourself into a situation that will only lead you to confusion and pain?
Are there emotions involved already? Do you two have a history? Have either of you ever had feelings for each other (or do you now)? If you don’t know, ask. Always ask. It is generally a bad idea to have a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship with someone if there is any sort of history or possibility of emotions. Remember, being a ‘friend with benefits’ is agreeing to be in a sexual relationship with a distinct lack of emotional commitment. If you can’t honestly say you won’t develop feelings for someone, don’t do it!
The Next Step: Even if you think you are a person who can handle the situation, there is more to it than that. Being ‘friends with benefits’ is a different kind of relationship, but still one nonetheless – it comes with all the risks of taking a friendship to any other level. Are you willing to risk that? It requires honesty and integrity between both parties to work. That means that you need to be careful not only when starting a friendship with benefits, but also during. Remember, you are friends first… and you would never want to hurt friends.
Be Honest: Ironically, the most important part of an actual relationship is also the most important part of a no-strings-attached relationship. Honesty ensures that both people know what the other wants. Have a long talk about how the two of you feel, what you want out of it, and why. It’s never too late to do this; even if the situation sort of fell into your lap, make sure to have this talk as soon as possible. This is the point where you ensure that both of you do not have feelings for each other. If it is discovered that either of you may develop feelings (or already have them), do not engage in this sort of relationship. Doing so will only hurt you and the other person! Don’t just talk about the present, but also the possibility of the future. Will one of you get jealous if the other starts seeing someone? How will you feel?
Establish Boundaries: If you both realize you are actually going to go through with it, decide what’s okay and what’s not. Are you going to restrict it to kissing, are you going to go all the way, or somewhere in between? Are you two going to keep it strictly private, or is it alright if others find out? What are the boundaries for public affection?
How to Escape: The last potential danger of this situation is the seeming inability to escape. If you realize the situation just isn’t the thing for you, start from square one. This is the easiest and best approach to have. Have an honest conversation with the other person about how you feel and why. If you realize somewhere along the way they are starting to develop feelings, end the ‘relationship’ immediately to make sure the situation doesn’t get out of hand. Be the more mature one. Stress that you still value them as a friend but you can’t handle the direction it is going in and know they can’t either. This will be the best shot at preserving your friendship in the future.
Sarah Danielson is a writer for Pick Up Artist where you can find great tips and advice on dating.
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