Being “unlucky in love” isn’t about luck at all. Why is it that some people always attract Mr. or Ms. Right while you attract Mr. Nasty, or Ms. Unfaithful or Mr. Deadbeat? No matter how different or similar your ex-nightmares may seem, they all have one very specific thing in common, they dated you. You are the key to breaking the bad date cycle, and by making a few changes, you can educate yourself and find Mr. or Ms. Perfect!
1. Identify their Behavior
Write a list of all your ex-partners, their character flaws and why the relationship ended. Often, people fall into patterns without realizing, for example, some women always attract abusive men, and some men always attract cheaters.
Can you see a pattern in you list? It might not be as simple as “they all cheated” it might be that they all showed different controlling behaviors or that they were all manipulative in different ways. If you are struggling to identify the pattern, it can be helpful to look to your parent’s relationship as it will most likely have had a profound impact on your relationships. If you’re still struggling, ask your friends why they disliked your ex-nightmares, you’ll probably hear some interesting answers!
2. Identify your Behavior
Once you have identified the behavior that makes you unhappy, consider why a person with that character flaw chooses you. For example, a woman who attracts sexual “users” could consider what a user looks for in a woman. If he is seeking an easy, quick sexual fix, are there any of your behaviors that make you fit the bill. If a man attracts “gold diggers”, are you exhibiting any signs that you are good relationship material for a gold digger? Expensive gifts, nice restaurants and luxurious touches make for a wonderful first date, especially for a girl with dollar signs in her eyes. Similarly, if you’re attracting cheaters, are you happily getting lost in that charming, silver tongue and those bedroom eyes that seem always ready for bed?
Try putting yourself in their shoes and thinking about what you would look for in a partner. Make a list of attributes that are attractive to that person and consider how many of those attributes you have. It can be hard to know yourself well enough for this step, so a good friend or even a semi-friendly ex may be able to help.
Although their bad behavior is not OK and your behavior is not 100% to blame, it’s easy for both of you to fall into the same patterns of behavior, but luckily, you have the power to break the mold and find happiness!
3. The Five Things
List 5 things you want to do differently next time and 5 things you are willing to try changing to get there. Perhaps you want to be treated with more respect this time? Then resolve yourself to take no crap, if they don’t call, if they stay out all night, if they don’t appreciate you – get rid of them! If you are tired of being controlled, “being more assertive” should be top of your list. If you find relationships become co-dependant and too intense and drama filled, “more time apart” could be on your list.
Think these through carefully because they will be your mantra for your next relationship.
4. Change Places
If you keep meeting sleazy men, perhaps you’re going to sleazy clubs. The way you search for your partners might also be playing a part in who you attract. If you find you’re dating needy women, perhaps dating the “damsels in distress” that you meet, isn’t working for you.
Try something different. If you’ve never speed dated, go speed dating. Register with an online dating site, join a new club, take up a hobby, consider a customer or work mate (although that can be tricky, choose carefully). Ask your happily married friends where they met or even ask them to hook you up on a blind date. It doesn’t matter too much what you try, as long as it is a change from your old patterns.
5. Change Tactics
If some knee high boots and a splash of red gloss lipstick have always worked for you, it might be time for a pony tail and some comfortable jeans. If that killer pick up line has never failed, file it away for now. Don’t flirt shamelessly, tell them what you really think, put away that expensive gift and if the joke isn’t funny, don’t laugh. Take all the games and tactics away and be yourself, you’re more lovable than you might think.
6. Change People
So, there’s nothing like a rock star up on that stage to press your buttons, huh? Maybe it’s time to date a nice accountant – or maybe a graphic designer. If you are dating the same “kind of people”, be it the arty type or the geeky type or the sporty type – it’s time to look further afield. You may just find that sciencey guys are just as creative as painters. A sporty woman might just be as clever as a geeky woman and a quiet, shy guy could be just as exciting as Mr. Popularity. It’s time to stop seeing people on the surface and get to know someone new and different. You might find that under the surface, they’re smarter, more interesting or sexier than you could ever imagine!
7. Sex
When you are looking for a new relationship, if you head out on the first date looking for true love, you’ll probably fail. Similarly, if you head out looking for hot sex, you’ll probably fail too. It’s hard to just have a nice time with a nice person because too many emotions (lust is an emotion!) get in the way. Sex introduces a different perspective. Try as we might to be indifferent to sex, it inevitably changes the way you see and feel about the other person. It complicates things. Resolve yourself to holding off on the sex until you are sure that they comply with your five things. Then, when it does happen, it’ll be spectacular!
It’s rarely easy to find Mr. or Ms. Right but getting to know a bit more about yourself gives you a better chance of getting to know who is right for you.
Susan Long is a reformed loser magnet who is happily married to Mr. Right. She gave up meeting rock stars in dive bars for a wonderfully creative and talented programmer she met while working as a freelance writer at a Cool Pencil Case website.
{ 1 trackback }
Comments on this entry are closed.